Is your bank account empty?  Has your job hit a dead end - or just ended?  Is your love life in the gutter, your phone silent, and your house a mess?

If so, you need Quentin Smeltzer's Self-Help.  Not because it'll make you a better person - it really, really won't - but because it illustrates, with astonishing clarity and poorly-produced chart graphics, the spectacular depths of failure to which you could have sunk, if you had tried.  And that's every bit as good as succeeding!  Isn't it?

Self-Help: Your Complete Book of Bad Advice is a delightfully silly parody of the entire self-help book genre.  You know them: books that promise everything from fame to whiter teeth if you, the reader, will just follow their cheerful instructions.  The down side, of course, is that if you don't achieve instant stardom or fresher breath, most self-help books make it clear that you have no one to blame but yourself.  Perhaps you should read more carefully, or yank a little harder on those bootstraps.

In Self-Help, Quentin Smeltzer (not his real name) sidesteps the nasty little problem of reader disobedience by providing advice so terrible that no one who follows it can possibly fail to fail.  Unless one fails to read Self-Help altogether.  But that would mean you've failed at failing, and who wants to admit to that, really?

In recognition of the God-given ability to fail inherent in every human being, Smeltzer thoughtfully provides un-follow-able advice to match any reader's needs.  From climbing the corporate ladder ("Explain to your supervisor that you're not really late for work because time itself is an illusory concept") to becoming a rock-star parent ("The more likely you are to be mistaken for a potted plant the better a father you will be"), if you care about anything, anything at all, Self-Help will cure you of that nonsense right quick.

As if exemplifying the author's belief that anyone can be a successful failure if they simply try hard enough, Self-Help doesn't rely on words alone to get its message across.  For those who have trouble with reading or following printed instructions, Self-Help also provides helpful graphs the reader can use to measure his or her progress.  Like the helpful graphs in so many other self-help books, Smeltzer has given his graphs an adorable acronym that makes their use easy to remember.  Unlike the helpful graphs in so many other self-help books, however, Smeltzer's graphs have an adorable acronym that accurately describes what the graph is all about, not to mention what the author and audience are thinking: SHAM (stands for "Self Help Assessment Meter").

And, if you're just too busy becoming a perfect failure to actually read Smeltzer's book, almost every chapter contains a "Checklist for Success" that sums up the chapter's main points.  From "realized that traffic laws are only for the timid and the weak" to "Still hate my cable company," each "Checklist for Success" provides invaluable advice for a long, frustrating, and fruitless life.  Which is pretty much what you'll get out of every other self-help book on the market, right?

Seriously - this book is a hoot.  You'll love it.  And if you don't, that's just because you haven't bought enough copies of it yet.

Reviewed on 06/22/2011 by ReviewTheBook.com Member Dani Alexis Ryskamp

Book Title: Self Help--Your Complete Book Bad Advice For
        Every Situation in Life
Author: Quentin Smeltzer
Publisher: Outskirts Press
ISBN: 9781432753146
Reviewed by Michele Tater for Review The Book

“I went to a bookstore and asked that saleswoman, Where’s the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. ~George Carlin

If the “bad advice” in the title of this book is not warning enough, do not follow anything mentioned in this book. It’s like the stunts you see on TV where they tell you that they are done by professionals and not to be done by amateurs. The author is not a doctor of any kind and therefore can not really give you self help tips that he not is qualified to give.

That beginning said, I think this book have value in what not to do in your life unless you want to loose your job, your family and any self esteem that you may have had. The book is broken down 44 chapters that are short,  sweet and easy to read. These chapter advise you on to succeed in nothing really and how to be well at something your are not and probably won‘t be even after you read it. The writer’s views of the men vs. women paradigm are funny in a non-threatening way, at least for me, I happen to be in a marriage where we know how places, sort of speak. Some people may take offense to these points-of-view but I think they maybe in denial. Just kidding, see someone might take Mr. Smeltzer the wrong way, but if you are an open mined person with a good sense of humor you will enjoy this book.

The author is self professed stand-up comedian that shows in his humorous way of writing. If anything is book will make you lol (laugh out loud) and have great aha moments, along with huh moments. I found it simple to read, not that the writer was simple or anything, it was just written in easy language. I do recommend “Self Help” to someone that is employed, in a great relationship and not easily swagged by what they read.

Reviewed on 01/21/2011 by ReviewTheBook.com Member michele tater

This book changed my life.  That’s to say, it changed me from not having read this book to being able to say I’d read it. But that’s a positive change, right?

Quentin Smeltzer (not his real name) has poured out a portion of his heart and soul into the 211 pages of “Self Help – Your Complete Book of Bad Advice for Every Situation in Life” there are a few other bodily fluids in there too but I won’t ruin that surprise for you.

The book starts out as a simple blueprint to changing your life for the worse (self-imposed job loss, prison and starting your own totalitarian state, to name a few of the tips), with helpful SHAM charts to show your progress in an ever downward spiral.  It morphs somewhere in the middle and the SHAM charts disappear; the Checklists for Success also dwindle away.  How am I meant to track my progress?

From that point on it becomes more a collection of anecdotal ‘lessons I’ve learned’ tales from the author’s own life, with a seam of pure comedy gold running strongly through the centre. Despite the change in direction the books still helps guide you through the bad decision in life, mostly by learning from the author’s own ghastly experiences.

“Self Help – Your Complete Book of Bad Advice for Every Situation in Life” will teach you such life lessons as how to: Say Yes to Drugs, How to Succeed in Business, Be the Perfect Wife (wait…what??), as well as why it’s good to yell at your customers, and provide helpful advice for elected officials.

This was a thoroughly enjoyable read and will be taking pride of place among the Archie comics and catalogues on the shelf in the bathroom. The author was kind enough to autograph a copy for me and that earned it that coveted fifth star in the review. This alone will push the resell value through the roof, I should get at least $10 for it on eBay!  Now that’s success.

But in all seriousness, a recommended read.  Go buy your own.

Reviewed on 01/10/2011 by ReviewTheBook.com Member Helen Bryen